March 23rd, 2008


Here I go again...

I need to get back inside my dreams. I need to become aware again. Guess the Skullfuck ritual is tonight. I just hope I don't attract any more Succubi.

I need to become more spiritually focused too, I think. I've really slipped. I used to project every night. Now I can barely get out of body. I feel like I'm losing the awareness I had. Communication with the nonphysical has become harder too. I can't tell if that means I'm gaining sanity or merely dulling my perception of existence. You wouldn't hear many people complain that they can't talk to demons/spirits or transcend time or space anymore. I'm strange like that.

I guess if I get back into practice I'll get more adept again, but I'm worried that this is all a symptom of coming to terms with reality. I don't know how I feel about that, if that's the case. I would like to live in a reality which allows for more than scientific truths, and I'm afraid if I lose contact with my spiritual world I'll be sucked into thoughtless materialistic pursuits. Heh, that rhymed.

It's just that now I'm so used to seeing another layer to everything. The world seems naked now. Not naked in a raw, visceral way; but in a bland way. There is no life pursuit: no greater goal or oneness that is easily discernible. I guess that's where faith comes in, but I hadn't yet reached a point where I had decided what I wanted to invest my faith in.

That's really why I'm a Chaote. Not because I'm drawn to panreligious concepts, but that I see no one path laid out before me. I was close too. Fuck me for getting off track. I guess I have to start over.

Yeah, I guess I just revealed a side many of you don't know about in this post. Fuck it.